Debauchery And Fatigue In Healthcare

Many years ago when I began my nursing career, I still had a light in my eyes. I had hope to help aid the pain of humanity; comfort the sick and dying; see new life emerge; watch a life a transition to the other side of this life. I can remember standing in the OR watching the tiniest of female physicians delivery a baby via c/section with such skill and ease…..I felt empowered as a woman in nursing and medicine. I felt like I mattered in the large scheme of hospital nursing and my voice could be heard. I felt strong. My feet were tired, my back hurt, and although some shifts my heart broke, my heart was filled with purpose and love for nursing. I had adequate supplies to work my shift, reflecting, it almost seemed like a cornucopia of wealth!

Fast forward to now, 2020, The Year of the Nurse is almost completed. Lack of personal protective equipment is prevalent and the debauchery that has become the backbone of the rules that make healthcare now, run things. Our voices once loud, our now muffled by masks and the true human touch of bedside nursing is gone. We touch our computers more than we touch our patients, because, God forbid we forget to document in a flowsheet. Bureaucracy rules. We continue to face a pandemic, and depending on who you speak to, we either were ready, or we weren’t. I am here to tell you, we weren’t. Those gloves from the national stockpile, well, the group we got were moldy. There is signage everywhere that claims, “Heroes Work Here.” While a lovely gesture, I can attest that most colleagues past and present could care less about being called a hero. We came into this career for one purpose and that was to serve and aid in healing those who are afflicted.

We are exhausted. We are conflicted. We are stretched beyond measure. As a whole, our population is in a mental health crisis to the magnitude of which I have never seen. Recently, a colleague informed me that he left the hospital, drank himself into oblivion, and then traveled to escape the nightmare that is COVID-19 and the ever- changing policies. He traveled to run away from the nightmare of insanity we deal with daily. It broke him. Death is a regular on the scene, and his good buddy Fear follows you closely. Eventually, you become numb and you wonder what the hell happened……to me? You see, it never ends for us in the healthcare field. We live in a strange parallel of the outside world and the inside world of the hospital. Most of us have families that we carry with us. We have sent our children away to live with relatives, slept in the garage in tents, slept in hotels to try and spare them the suffering of an invisible virus. That is no longer an option, as virtually everything has changed in our day to day routines, especially with our families. We clean everything until our fingers bleed to keep everyone safe…we hope.

Some of us have died either by our own hand or by the hand of COVID- 19. I never thought I would be at this place in my life. The place where I considered an alternative career outside of nursing and medicine. My heart is tired. This is my family, my brothers and sisters across the world. This is my livelihood. Nursing is in my blood. Do I still make a difference anymore? Even heroes need rest. Nurses are leaving the bedside in droves, and I am most certain, this is not what Florence Nightingale envisioned. Where is our spark in our eyes from our Lady with the Lamp?

For now, the call bell is ringing, my food is cold, my Coca-Cola is flat, and I have peed once today. I am trying to keep hydrated but I am afraid to touch my face taking off my mask. So, I press on, just like the rest of my brothers and sisters around the world. Google says we have 78 days until Christmas…….and flu season is beginning. Death, debauchery, fatigue, and fear….I don’t have time for you today. Until my next assignment………nurse out.